I have been avoiding myself. I wonder why?
I am referring to my inner most self, the core I hide and protect, even from me. It has been so long that I cannot remember when I last reached in and gave thought to what I really want. I am not referring to the mundane of day to day, I speaking about the game changers; the desires of the heart.
For in my frantically busy passivity I have left potential actions, decisions, choices hanging in limbo, well perhaps not even in limbo, for how can they be anywhere, if they were never conceived, because the more I reflect upon this, the realization hits me in the face that I never have sought out the answers to the question of what do I really want, perhaps I did not want to find them, for that would entail the possibility of failure.
I love my family and they love me, I know this and I can not conceive of being without them, but there must be more than just getting up everyday and going to a job I am only barely competent at now. One that is daily growing beyond me exponentially. One that leaves me tense and exhausted by day’s end. Unfortunately I have left it too late for there to be much room for adjustment in this part of my life, and do not say it is never too late, because for some things it is, and this is one of them. It is actually a sweet job and I am lucky to have it, I just wish it wasn’t literally killing me with its unsuitability for me.
I also have been avoiding God. I do not wonder why?
I know that I am afraid. I do not want to do what I should. You see if I can avoid God then I do not have to hear His thoughts about what I am trying to avoid, and then I can remain wallowing in this self indulgent pool of apathy and inertia I have created for myself; stupid huh.
However, the beautiful thing is, with God, it is never too late. He is right here with me waiting, wanting, desiring me too tell Him, just what exactly it is that I really want. I know that He already knows, the thing is, He wants me to know too. I just need the courage to open the door, because I miss Him.