Forsaken

I do not hold it against them, I completely understand why they did what they did. It is just that they did not truly comprehend the circumstances or the long term outcome of their rejection, or at least I tell myself this for my own comfort, for they were my friends, good people at the core, and I prefer to give them the benefit of the doubt.

It is like this, when you have hopes of change or reconciliation with an abusive spouse you do not tend to spread their faults around within the church. Additionally abused individuals often blame themselves if the abuser has accomplished their goal, so instead of asking for help, which might only make things worse, sometimes these same down trodden individuals will be frantically trying to accomplish the impossible, to fix the problems they perceive to be within themselves, alone.

So there you are one day, awakened to reality, when it dawns upon you that you are not the most despicable human on the face of the earth, and that distance is needed if there is to be any chance of recovery, so you leave and take the children with you, it is necessary, and actually you should have done it years sooner.

However, it is exceedingly difficult to have sole responsibility for six dependents. It is also exceedingly difficult for young children to lose their father to anger issues, their mother to a 10 hour a day job, their home and belongings, which must be left behind in the escape, all on the same day, and wait for it, let’s add on the loss of the only church the youngest children had known, the first church that the older children had been accepted into, one where the teaching was spot on. Sure it had problems, every church does, but it was solid.

I suppose the fact that it was a good church, is what led them to do what they felt they must, and why I don’t blame them for it. However, you see what they, and I, did not realize at the time, was that their rejection would lay a burden of shame upon my shoulders that I was unable to shake off. It followed me as I searched for a new church, so much so that I never opened up to anyone, I held back, aloof, not a good stance to take when trying to join a small church like we favored. So we tried attending mega churches, but this was worse, feeling lonely amidst 1000’s is much worse than lonely alone.

Finally I realized that my dissatisfaction had nothing to do with the churches we were attending, it was within myself, I saw myself as a pariah, someone to be shunned. Thankfully God rescued me in my ridiculous state of mind, and provided the relinquishment I needed in an extraordinary way.

Still, the damage has been done, the families worship habits have been fractured, relinquishment came too late.

 

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