Liebe Lee’s Spring

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I came home to a pleasant surprise. Liebe Lee has started a new window show. Yippee!

She is busy coaching so it will take a while for her to finish, but you know I will be sharing the final results when she does.

Happy Days

Belinda

 

 

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Nature and Me: Symbiosis

Going to church exasperates my loneliness. For the small local church I try to attend because it has depth in its teaching, adherence to the Word, and compassion in abundance, is also especially keen on a 15-20 minute meet and greet fellowship smack dab in the middle of service.

I understand why they do it, I mean it is a beautiful way to capture visitors and make them feel welcomed and introduced to others, also mothers of small children have an opportunity to fellowship without feeling like they need to scamper away and gather them up as they would at the end of service, and like many Southern California churches, its congregation is spread far and wide, and many travel considerably to be there. Some also have many children in tow, and if you know anything about getting many little ones ready for church, you know that you frequently just make it through the doors as the first hymn is starting. Therefore an extended meet and greet, before the long and luscious sermon, helps to get the wiggles out of both the young and old.

So I can see how it is a really good thing for the congregation as a whole, but for someone with social anxiety, and an ever increasing sense of panic when away from home, it is excruciating. For the pause in the proceedings, and the need to be social, manages only to intensify my unreasonable feelings of separateness. This makes me lonely and upset, and when I get upset, the sadness creeps out from where it is perpetually lurking in the shadows of my mind….sigh

Thus I find it is on Sundays that I most miss a partners presence at my side. For then I was not alone, I was part of something and could rest in their care and protection. Regardless, I refuse to dwell on the past, for that was then and this is now, and this just won’t do, this continuing absurdity of trying to attend alone, because truly, on the Lord’s day I want to rejoice and be glad in it, not be in dread of fellowship.

So instead of pretending anymore, I should just do what I do on the Sundays I manage to give myself enough lame excuses to stay home. I go out of doors, into the world God created and declared good, put my hands into the earth, and let it rejuvenate my soul. While all the while marveling and praising the wisdom and goodness of God, for giving us such a wonderful world to care for, and at the end of the day, I am much better rested and uplifted because of it.

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Ps. Bat Bunny is eating the tender young wildflower plants before they even get a chance to bloom. Still I planted them for her to eat, so I’m getting what I intended I suppose 🙄

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The Third Floor

img_1811My desire to start dancing and mingle with (gasp shock awe) three dimensional people, has just not been able to get past the planning stage, because all the venues I could locate for square dancing, only have beginners classes that start in January and September.

So I then looked into line dancing, which is much more prolific than square dancing, but the beginners classes did not start until June, and it was really not what I was looking for anyway, because there is much memorization needed to remember long sequences of steps, and I wanted my focus to be on the people, not the dancing.

I haven’t given up, and I plan to actively pursue the September classes of square dancing come Fall, and just might start line dancing in June, but I will go into line dancing without long term expectations. And besides secretly, when all said and done, truly I really want to learn to waltz, but of that prospect I am terrified. It is way too intimate to be done with strangers, at least for me anyway.

Then I decided that while I was waiting, I would use my extra time with my mother, before her Alzheimer’s steals her away completely. I have been spending time with her, but as my father pointed out, I need to be much more intentional about it, because it is limited with an ever closer ending. So I am working on setting up a sewing and quilting spot on her third floor, and in amongst my working, I babble on about a little of this and a lot of that while she smiles and nods, and is happy. For this space, this project is something she had been planning for, and collecting materials for, since, we’ll forever.

 

So yes, I am not getting out there, doing the meet and greet and mingle, but this time with my mother is not a labor of must and should, it is one of love. Also, I praise God for arranging my life in such a way that it is possible for us both to have our needs met. For not only do I get to make my mother happy, I get to sew, and sew, and sew, which is one of my desires of the heart too. I have just never had the space to leave a project out, so any time I had was used clearing a table cluttered of the day’s deposits, setting everything up, working for maybe ten minutes, and then having to clear everything away so the same table could be used for a meal come morning.

Meals together have always been a priority of mine so there was never any question of which came first, and having a large family was also more important, and I never minded that we lived and loved on little, money is not what makes a family succesful, but it does buy space.

Sigh…I am beginning to ramble and get off point, if there ever was one. Thank you Ginger for your comments, and nudging me into pulling my thoughts into order, and thus helping me realize, that I wasn’t once again giving up on something, but only that my priorities have shifted.

To God be the glory, forever and always,

❤ Belinda

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Ferocious Affection

I am going to pick up number two son from school tomorrow. Normally he would walk through school and across town to the bus, take the bus to the train station in Santa Barbara, ride the surf liner to Union Station in LA, then pick up the light rail train to our home town, and I must not forget to add, he does this while carrying a legion of luggage.

Well, he caught a nasty put you in the hospital virus this last quarter, and I suspect he has not quite fully recovered, because he took me up on my offer of a ride, which is completely out of character for him, for he typically likes to adventure and be independent.

Regardless of the why, tomorrow I am off to see my baby again, and if this vacation home plays out like the last one did, this drive maybe the only time I get to see him alone, because once he gets here, he has many siblings and a few nephews, that want a piece of him too.

Sometimes I think he must feel somewhat like Max in the Wild Things, where after spending time parading about with all those wild beasts who would like to eat him up because they love him so, he is quite content and happy to get in his private boat, and wave goodbye.

Still, he is the baby of the family, which definitely has its ups and downs, just like everything in life, and no matter how much he might wish it to be otherwise, I hate to break it to him, this will never change. My twin brothers, who are the youngest in seven, still to this day, will tell you which one is the baby, and it is only by nine minutes.

But, and I love buts, he does know that when his independent boat sails my way, whenever and as often as he wants, there will always be room for him, and his supper will still be hot.

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Carelessness

I have known several men throughout my life who have drifted, unintentionally, or for some maybe intentionally, into “friend” relationships with older or lonely women. The relationships were not physical, at least not to my knowledge, so these men did not see the harm, and besides, these women, for the pleasure of male company, often imparted gifts, occasionally of significant value. Thus they were not inclined to take a hard look at their behavior, consequently any concern expressed regarding either, the possible long term harm to be caused by playing upon a lonely women’s emotions, or perhaps to suggest that by Acceptance of gifts, they were behaving with dishonor, has been dismissed as downright foolishness.

Heavy, heavy sigh, and a whole lot of prayer, is all I can think of to wrap this up.

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Sola gratia

I don’t know about you, but when I am pondering a quandary, I like to be able to get to the point where can tie up all the loose ends, address all possible rabbit holes, and then neatly punch it all down it a neat little package, which I can then file away in the cubby holes of my mind, or basically, to Conquer it.

Well God and His mysteries just don’t fit into a cubby hole no matter how hard you try. For instance today I was trying to wrap my mind around the idea of irresistible grace and free will….sigh.

Nope, He is God and I am not, is often as far as my brain can get when pondering His ways. However, I am okay with that, and actually truly thankful. I mean what a relieve to only have to be little ol’ me who doesn’t need to know everything. For I have Him to lean on, unconditionally, always and forever.

Because one thing I do grasp completely, is that God always keeps His promises, on this I can rely. Yep, you just gotta love God’s grace.

Besides, it’s not like there is an entrance exam to get into heaven.

❤ Blessings Belinda

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Not Dead

Controversy kills me. I am curious regarding the physiology of it, but not enough to put in the effort required for satisfaction. Still, I am not clueless, I do know that I am chronically depressed, but on most days it is kept in check and I function quite nicely. However the way I manage this is to avoid the triggers that I am aware of, and one of them is getting upset.

Therefore, I work very hard to stay on an even keel, which is why I live in my own private bubble without television, radio, or pugnacious people, because for some reason these three things can manage to push me over the edge into the abyss of darkness, where debilitating fatigue and sadness smashes my soul.

Frequently though, the visitors that make it past the high and thorny barriers surrounding my bubble, do not understand why I am not willing to debate this, that, and sundry, and I find that I am less and less inclined to explain, not after so many years of failure, of being misunderstood, or scoffed at. It is easier to be perceived as uncaring. For yes, I am that egotistical.

Gosh golly gee wilikers, what a day this has been.

❤ Blessings Belinda

Ps. When I am worried about one of my children, I send a one word text, Dead. Then I proceed  to worry even more until I receive back, Not Dead. Of course, my wiseacre son sends back, Yes. 🙄

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