Control

Giving up things one enjoys as an attempt the regain control……hum?

Anthony at the Recovering Legalist wrote a post which had much to ponder. I am not sure if I can apply the need to atone to myself, but the need for control, absolutely.

I had not really considered my frequent withdrawals from my blogging as a bid for control in an unstable life, however with just a wee bit of processing I can see it.

For it is at my most desperate of moments that I panic and go on a deleting rampage.

Those desperate times when I am floundering around looking for a rescue, which I know will never arrive, are the times that I pull in close and stop everything I can. What is that other than an attempt to feel in control of  something, anything, even at a loss of innocent pleasure.

So, because all I have is myself. No one to catch me when I fall, no one to lean on during the hard times, no one to help me find some stability in my increasingly unstable life, I need to get out of the fantasy life in my head, which has me looking for a hero, and step up and rescue myself.

How am I going to manage this? Well, I just don’t know. One breath at a time I suppose.

As a side note, no it’s the main note actually, I dismissed the need to atone quite quickly, because Jesus has already done that for me. So I don’t feel the need to punish myself, and somehow I feel it would be diminishing His gift of grace if I did.

For my sins are forgiven me as far as the East is from the West.

Sigh….I love you Lord.

Blessings Belinda

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