I find myself almost exuberant as of late. Not completely, because well, that is just not the way I roll. For unfortunately I have this gloomy parasite, which has latched onto my brain, always challenging, and actively whispering, no shouting at me, that this elevation of spirits is only a figment of my imagination, thus it manages to dim the light at the end of the tunnel.
Regardless, the thing is, I have long been waiting on the Lord. For He has been whispering, politely, not shouting as my intruder tends to do, that He has plans for me. And to be honest I am a bit terrified of what those plans might be, but I have learned the hard way to not get in my own way, and to let the Lord run the show. He is obviously so much better at it than I am.
Therefore maybe I should say I am cautiously curious with a liberal dose of nerves, instead of terrified. For strangely for me, I am actually not afraid of what’s ahead. So yes, terrified was the wrong choice in this circumstance.
However, waiting is not one of my strengths. I trend to the exact opposite. I would prefer to be doing something, even the wrong something, rather than to be patiently waiting for help or resolutions not of my own making.
This is definitely a character flaw, and I am currently working on it; even if I don‘t want to be. For it seems that the Lord has decided it is time to flatten out this deep deep wrinkle in my behavior pattern of a life time of leaping before looking, and gosh golly almighty can His iron get hot when He press His point home.
Sigh….as usual with my rambles I have drifted from where I started and meandered into who knows what. So I am just going to let all that above lie there and die a thousand deaths, while I return to where my thoughts were when I started this post.
I was seeing a possible future flickering out there which would be better than I could have ever chosen or conjured for myself, and how I am so afraid, yes of this I am afraid, so afraid to let myself want it, want it beyond the moon and back. I don’t want to leap prematurely and let the joy bounce off the clouds, because as my parasite so gleefully lets me know, when has anything ever been so good, and why should it be?
In the end, what that annoying voice has to say is irrelevant, because celebration is not what is called for at this time, patience is. I have to be still and let things unfold as they will or won’t, and be okay with the outcome. So I am waiting, as I should, and thanking the Lord that I am becoming good at it, finally.
But maybe perhaps instead, I will use some of this joy to shout from the roof tops, well maybe not rooftops, that would be way to exuberant, that I love the Lord my God, and I will no matter the future He has for me. This I know for sure and certain, and nothing, no nothing, will ever change this wondrous reality. Even that annoying naysayer I carry around with me will never have the last word on this one.
“Your testimonies I have taken as a heritage forever,
For they are the rejoicing of my heart.
I have inclined my heart to perform Your statutes
Forever to the very end”
” Psalm 119:111