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So Serious

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Hope: not for the faint of heart.

“My son, eat honey because it is good,

And the honeycomb which is sweet to your taste;

So shall the knowledge of wisdom be to your soul;

If you have found it, there is a prospect,

And your hope will not be cut off.”

Proverbs 24:13

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I have had several hard hits recently to the fairytale future I had constructed in my mind. With the first blow I rolled with it, and told myself that nothing had actually changed between yesterday and today except knowledge; true logically, but not emotionally.

However with the second and third blow, my sparkly castle crumbled into dust, and I withdrew, wallowed in the debris, whilst trying ineffectually, thank the Lord, to bury myself with chocolate, despair, and anger.

For you see, I had lost my hope, and I was angry with myself, and God, for letting me hope in the first place. I began lashing out against all and sundry. Having a temper tantrum to be exact. Planning to cut off my nose to spite my face. Thinking well if I can’t have that, then I am not going to do this or this or this. Sigh….so foolish.

Thankfully I had withdrawn from my family and was in hiding in my bed while this hissy fit occurred. Otherwise I would have caused more damage and havoc then I can or want to imagine. Phew, I dodged a bullet there, thank you Lord for keeping my anger focused on You and me only.

Well now that I have recovered with my faith and love of the Lord intact, ready to face a new reality which in all honesty is not that much different than before I built my castle in the sand, I find that I am not stronger because of this adversity, no actually I am weaker and poorer than before, thus more dependent on the Lord.

I am slowly recovering my hope. However this time I will strive with all my heart to let it be in the Lord, and not my circumstances. I will fail again and again I know, but  the Lord is my rear guard, my frontal attack, my all around hedge of protection. He will in His mercy and lovingkindness, not let me fall away into darkness for longer than it takes to accomplish His good works.

I can say with confidence that by keeping my focus on the light of His Word throughout this battle with my childish self, it saved me from doing any lasting harm, (the chocolate pounds can be lost 🙄), to my already difficult enough circumstances.

Bless the Lord, O my soul;
And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,

Amen & Amen ❤️Belinda

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Joy Ride

I find I am unable to stop laughing at myself every time I start to write. For my life seems to be running along in apparent tragedy, but I am unable to get in the mode of it.

For as I begin thinking about what is going on with me, I start out something like this:

My dog died, well actually she was 16 and had an aggressive cancer so I let her go. It was a peaceful and painless process for her.

My last unemployment payment hit my bank this week, so that’s that. I am now officially without income.

I received a long overdue medical diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis, after losing my insurance.

Feeling helpless as my mother languishes in the dark, trying to will herself dead, only to find out my father has stopped giving her her antidepressants and is proud of it.

Being tired and not able to do all the things I put off over the years, thinking if I just had the time. Well I now have time, but no giddy up and go.

See what I mean, such a lament. But the thing is that list could go on and on if I let it, however it does not define me, and this makes me laugh with joy.

Rather I am full of incredible awe and wonder as I watch the hardships and sorrows of a lifetime coalesce with perfect tempo and timing, into a beautiful gift from the Lord.

A gift of seeing why He had me walk through that fire, why that particular prayer was not answered, how what appeared to be a loss of great magnitude was only a temporary set back. For as I have been watching my life unfold for the last six months I can only stand in complete and utter amazement of the perfect timing of God.

And knowing that God doesn’t need to let me watch the big picture, and that He has chosen to let me in on the process, and to see His handiwork unfold, is something I can hardly contain. For such joy it is giving me, the knowing that all those years of waiting, of feeling alone and forsaken were false, and all along He was there, molding my life for a time such as this.

A time when I would need to rely on Him more than ever. A time when having His presence near and working in my life gives me all the comfort I need for the future. A time when this fabulous display of His glory and lovingkindness make me laugh in the face of adversity.

A time to relax and enjoy the ride.

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Fight Cage

Today is going to be a difficult day. The anxiety is pooling into the center of my chest trying to make me scream in surrender. Every muscle aches from the pressing in required to contain it, and its close companion despair. My skin feels to be stretching and contracting as if its dark tendrils are seeking for a weak spot to rupture.

Sometimes I wonder if it would go away forever if I just let it escape, and completely go insane for a moment, but another part of me knows I can never let this happen, for the possibility of it taking permanent control, and thus losing my rational self, is far too great a risk.

So instead today will be a small day, a day of watching and waiting from the sanctuary of my treacherous chair. Utilizing the distractions I have placed within easy reach for such times as this.

For it will pass, it always does, it’s only a matter of time. Keeping this in mind is essential for survival of a winning attitude throughout the battle. For no matter how fragile I become, endurance will be readily available for the taking as long as I can keep my focus on the light shinning forth from the open door on the other side of my cage of control.

For I know with the Lord’s help, I will be victorious, and He and I will pass on through together, back into the light, and then will proceed to lock up a weakened anxiety, once again defeated in this battle, on the inside of the now pitch black cage.

And maybe this time, I will remember not to feed it, slip it the occasional crumbs of hopelessness, and therefore give it back its strength and desire to break free, or maybe not, maybe this is to be part of my life.

I do know that with each and every battle, I am learning to let the Lord handle more and more of it. So just maybe I am learning to relinquish my all to Christ. If this is so, I cannot wait for the dawning of the day where the Lord is the rock upon which I rest, and truly without a shadow of a doubt rely upon to vanquish my foes.

But to be frankly honest with myself I must acknowledge, with the devil crouching at my weak spot, the door of my cage, just waiting for me to be distracted, unfocused, human, and thus give him the key, so he can then open the door just a smidgen, so as to let anxiety flicker its familiar come hither my way, I cannot see the war being fully won this side of paradise.

So I wait, I hope, I yearn for heaven, and for eternal freedom and rest. But until then, I will continue to put on daily, the full armor of God to fight the good fight one day at a time. Days for which I praise the Lord for giving me in His abundant lovingkindness and mercy and grace. To God be the glory forever and ever, Amen.

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Unless the Lord had been my help,

My soul would soon have settled in silence.

If I say, “My foot slips,”

Your mercy, O Lord, will hold me up.

In the multitude of anxieties within me,

Your comforts delight my soul.

~Psalm 94:17-19~

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