Today is going to be a difficult day. The anxiety is pooling into the center of my chest trying to make me scream in surrender. Every muscle aches from the pressing in required to contain it, and its close companion despair. My skin feels to be stretching and contracting as if its dark tendrils are seeking for a weak spot to rupture.
Sometimes I wonder if it would go away forever if I just let it escape, and completely go insane for a moment, but another part of me knows I can never let this happen, for the possibility of it taking permanent control, and thus losing my rational self, is far too great a risk.
So instead today will be a small day, a day of watching and waiting from the sanctuary of my treacherous chair. Utilizing the distractions I have placed within easy reach for such times as this.
For it will pass, it always does, it’s only a matter of time. Keeping this in mind is essential for survival of a winning attitude throughout the battle. For no matter how fragile I become, endurance will be readily available for the taking as long as I can keep my focus on the light shinning forth from the open door on the other side of my cage of control.
For I know with the Lord’s help, I will be victorious, and He and I will pass on through together, back into the light, and then will proceed to lock up a weakened anxiety, once again defeated in this battle, on the inside of the now pitch black cage.
And maybe this time, I will remember not to feed it, slip it the occasional crumbs of hopelessness, and therefore give it back its strength and desire to break free, or maybe not, maybe this is to be part of my life.
I do know that with each and every battle, I am learning to let the Lord handle more and more of it. So just maybe I am learning to relinquish my all to Christ. If this is so, I cannot wait for the dawning of the day where the Lord is the rock upon which I rest, and truly without a shadow of a doubt rely upon to vanquish my foes.
But to be frankly honest with myself I must acknowledge, with the devil crouching at my weak spot, the door of my cage, just waiting for me to be distracted, unfocused, human, and thus give him the key, so he can then open the door just a smidgen, so as to let anxiety flicker its familiar come hither my way, I cannot see the war being fully won this side of paradise.
So I wait, I hope, I yearn for heaven, and for eternal freedom and rest. But until then, I will continue to put on daily, the full armor of God to fight the good fight one day at a time. Days for which I praise the Lord for giving me in His abundant lovingkindness and mercy and grace. To God be the glory forever and ever, Amen.
Unless the Lord had been my help,
My soul would soon have settled in silence.
If I say, “My foot slips,”
Your mercy, O Lord, will hold me up.
In the multitude of anxieties within me,
Your comforts delight my soul.