I find I am unable to stop laughing at myself every time I start to write. For my life seems to be running along in apparent tragedy, but I am unable to get in the mode of it.
For as I begin thinking about what is going on with me, I start out something like this:
My dog died, well actually she was 16 and had an aggressive cancer so I let her go. It was a peaceful and painless process for her.
My last unemployment payment hit my bank this week, so that’s that. I am now officially without income.
I received a long overdue medical diagnosis of rheumatoid arthritis, after losing my insurance.
Feeling helpless as my mother languishes in the dark, trying to will herself dead, only to find out my father has stopped giving her her antidepressants and is proud of it.
Being tired and not able to do all the things I put off over the years, thinking if I just had the time. Well I now have time, but no giddy up and go.
See what I mean, such a lament. But the thing is that list could go on and on if I let it, however it does not define me, and this makes me laugh with joy.
Rather I am full of incredible awe and wonder as I watch the hardships and sorrows of a lifetime coalesce with perfect tempo and timing, into a beautiful gift from the Lord.
A gift of seeing why He had me walk through that fire, why that particular prayer was not answered, how what appeared to be a loss of great magnitude was only a temporary set back. For as I have been watching my life unfold for the last six months I can only stand in complete and utter amazement of the perfect timing of God.
And knowing that God doesn’t need to let me watch the big picture, and that He has chosen to let me in on the process, and to see His handiwork unfold, is something I can hardly contain. For such joy it is giving me, the knowing that all those years of waiting, of feeling alone and forsaken were false, and all along He was there, molding my life for a time such as this.
A time when I would need to rely on Him more than ever. A time when having His presence near and working in my life gives me all the comfort I need for the future. A time when this fabulous display of His glory and lovingkindness make me laugh in the face of adversity.
A time to relax and enjoy the ride.