50:32 Lost and Found

50:32 Something you lost


Well, yesterday I lost my illusion of normalcy; the state of being usual, typical, or expected, when thinking of my mobility.

For I decided to begin using my cane in public. The falling is becoming too frequent to ignore. My left leg gives way unexpectedly completely, and crash and burn I do.

I find it amusing that it is how upset people tend to get when I tumble to ground without warning, which has pushed me beyond my pride regarding looking feeble. I find their alarm and concern, as I lay there on the ground all haphazardly, my belongs frequently flung far wide, to be entirely my fault.

For if manners are the art of making others comfortable, then it is the epitome of bad manners on my part not to use my cane to keep myself from falling. And yes this makes me laugh, that it was not the pain of hitting the ground, or even the fear of being stuck down there unable to get up, which pushed me over the edge, nope it was the desire not to upset people that did it, and make me laugh this does.




Day by Day

Also known as trust in the steadfast love of God.


Around one year ago the life I had so painstakingly crafted came crashing down, and with hindsight it is transparently obvious that it had been built upon the sand, devoid of any reliance upon God.

So, to say it has been a difficult year emotionally and financially would be putting it mildly, however spiritually it has been the best year of my life, thus if given the choice of a do over, I like to think I would still choose the Lord’s path of demolition over the stagnant pool of hope I had been bobbing along in for too many years.

For the Lord and I are on a journey, a journey of discovery, discovery of the death of self.

It all began with my complete confidence that the Lord had my back, that I was centered in His will and exactly where I was supposed to be, this was and is a lovely uplifting feeling, so I wasn’t worried, but jubilant about the new opportunities I was facing. For if I was where God wanted me than I assumed He had a use and plan for me that would unfold and lead me into a land of milk and honey; to not necessarily a large life, just a knowable secure one. I was confident that everything would be fine.

Wow what hubris. It was still all about me. What was God’s will for MY life rather than simply, what is God’s will, and then me humbling myself to rest within it.

The thing is as the year has unfolded every real need which has arisen has been met in unforeseen ways. For my reality has been that no matter how much I tried to map out a plan for the future, it was impossible to get beyond a month or two without my household falling off the cliff into financial ruin, but we never have. Our needs have been met in ways which can only be attributed to being a God thing.

I continue to apply for jobs, but they have not been forthcoming. I am also incredible thankful  God has begun closing doors quickly which He would not have me go through, so I am not being strung out hoping for the hopeless.

I am though being offered short term opportunities which patch holes here and there and keep the envelope pushed out to the two month window we have been dealing with for a while. And the thing is the Lord prepared me for this, because having managed the cash flow for a failing company for way too many years, I know those two months are a gift and a manageable time to work within.

Anyway, I was working on one of my Bible studies the other day which talked about direction and destination, and how when going somewhere new alone you want to have the complete map in front of you as you travel, letting you know what each twist and turn is going to be. As opposed to going with a fellow traveler who has been to your destination before. How you really don’t need to know beyond the next turn as long as they are with you.

Well, that is what I have with the Lord. As long as He is with me I only need to be concerned about today, to stay centered in His will today, because He knows where my tomorrow will lead. I just need to trust Him and He will get me to His destination in His own predestined time.

The plus side of staying centered in God’s will one day at a time, is that after a life time of centered days, I will have been exactly where I needed to be. Which is something that would be impossible for me if I had to try to encompass into my thoughts a lifetime of centered days, nope, not possible. Whereas one day maybe is just doable with His help.

Well, after this quite comforting time of communion with the Lord, He doubled down on His goodness and reaffirmed to me that I had not misunderstood what I thought He was telling me. For a servant of the Lord at my daughter’s church gave us a thousand dollars which doubled our window of doom to hover at a four month window rather than two. Such excess, such bounty!

I am over the roof with joy, not only for the necessary and much much appreciated funds, but to have such confirmation in the goodness and faithfulness of God so immediately upon His suggestion that I stop trying to fix the world myself, but rather to trust, and let Him do it for me.

Day by day, hour by hour, breath by breath, He leads, I follow.

So I was correct in believing that everything will be fine, maybe not in what I expected or even wanted, but exceedingly much more than fine nonetheless.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
He restores my soul.