Running Between the Feardrops

An inability to receive criticism well when young, developed in me an unreasonable fear of making mistakes, which historically has diminished my life by my not being willing to learn or do communally, from the fear of making mistakes.

However, I am striving for a future of boldness.

Only God can give me this if it is His will, but as I ask, seek, and knock, I must search my inner-most-self deeply, to be sure this is what I truly desire, and not just something I feel I should do.

Additionally I must not be idle while searching and asking. For I can actively work and prepare, keeping my eyes on the prize of a future lived outside of myself, poured out to His glory and the hope of salvation for others.

I anticipate a battle within each time I step into new territory, but I must remember to not to become discouraged or overwhelmed when my fear assaults me. I must rather remember to maneuver with God through the chemical warfare within my brain.

He alone will lead me into His rest and peace that lies within the tension of opposites where with God, I joyfully learn and do communally. For He is all about relationship.

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8 thoughts on “Running Between the Feardrops

    • When and if God wills to do something about the chronic depression, anxiety, and panic attacks which have been with me since I started school at five. Most days it takes all that is within me to leave the sanctuary of my home. Something as simple as a ringing telephone triggers a panic attack. It is a constant struggle.

      However learning to trust in the goodness of God and developing and enjoying a relationship with Him has tempted me to dream of more than the fragile shell I shelter within.

      Unfortunately I am not articulate enough to explain and perhaps it cannot be explained, only experienced.

      What I guess I mean is that to be bold, God will have to supply me with an attribute I am currently not in possession of, and honestly, my anxiety is begging me not to ask for it.

      Sigh….I have never claimed to be rational.

      But I wish I could share what glorious splendor it is to be adopted by God, and be washed clean by the sacrifice of Jesus, to be wrapped safely in the arms of the Spirit. People need to know.

      However God will not be thwarted by my shyness, He can accomplish His will without me. He doesn’t need me to be bold, I just wish I was.

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  1. Lauren Shannon says:

    Beloved Belinda. One triumph is the beauty of the family you have loved well with the Lord. A more joyous, inquisitive, sensitive, creative beloved bunch of individuals would be hard to find. Like dandelion fluff to the wind, they are sowing goodness, hope, and kindness wherever they land. So there is the struggle, and there is the life of the Jesus Christ flowing through you. Since only His love is victorious and eternal, may all the freedom of the Father’s love overturn every snarling barrier. ‘Beloved Belinda’ is a poem.

    Liked by 1 person

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