Unexpected

Having admitted my defeat in the Great Grass War, or perhaps it would better be called a withdrawal of the one remaining troop (me), which yes technically is defeat I guess, but……… Okay okay, no excuses, here goes, I capitulate to the grasses deeply rooted existence; it wins.

However, having decided to let the place, house and yard, fall apart around me, and only address absolute emergencies as they arise, has bought about an unexpected wonderful sense of relieve.

Now I can concentrate on evaluating belongs, and making order out of the chaos that has gotten out of control within the walls of my castle. I can also start making plans on how I am going to use the many mountains of fabric and notions and patterns and so on so forth I have inherited from my grandmothers, and mothers, decades worth of accumulation. Perhaps there is a retirement lurking within?

So with the letting go, with my decision to once again become rootless, I have gained a victory in the form of peace of mind. For with the abandonment of this house, I will also be shedding the perpetual instability and unhappiness that comes with it.

Hence, without regret, I surrender all.

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Time and Again

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Liebe Lee’s altered photo of me so fits my current mood regarding my yard as a wasteland of time. For I feel that we will have to be moving on in the not to distant future, therefore I cannot bring myself to continue with my vision. Instead I am looking at ways to easily put some semblance of order and curb appeal back in place.

It is not like I didn’t know this day would be coming, I did. I just didn’t think it would cause me such pain to have to give up. However it was not truly without benefit. I did enjoy the hard work and seeing a partial fruition of the master plan. I need to keep those memories and let go of the sadness.

Besides, I am amidst a new journey, branching out into uncharted territory with something new which could possibly alter my life in the ways I never thought I would achieve, but this time my efforts will not be tied to the land upon which I live. My new doings are portable and can be done wherever I am, without any expense, and the best part, never again will I have to leave them behind.

Hum…..I am not really sure why reading, optimism is the best defensive against regret, brought on this post, but there you go.

Blessings Belinda

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Left Hanging

Darrell stared blankly, at the stack of paperwork on his desk. Spinning his pencil between middle and pointer finger, he took intermediate sips of his cold black coffee. Barely awake, he regretted the decision to go out with the boys last night. Was it worth it? It was one hell of a night he thought, setting down his pencil to grab the bottle of aspirin on his desk. Darrell had a feeling that he was out of aspirin, but he hoped he was wrong on this one. He grabbed the bottle only to have his suspicions confirmed. “This is gonna be a god-awful day” he said in a hushed voice to appease his aching head. Annoyed he slammed the empty bottle onto his desk.

The last case he had worked on had just been resolved, and now someone had to do the paperwork for it. Last night had been crazy. For some reason he agreed to do all the paperwork for the case. “But who cares anyways, it is Monday, and I have all the way till Friday to finish this,” he thought as he pulled out his lighter and lite his cigarette.

Darrell’s smoke was interrupted by the sound of commotion outside as several uniforms ran past his door. There was many a time that the uniforms knew his name but he didn’t know theirs. One of these guys, the one that Darrell referred to as “transfer” due to him being a recent transfer from another department, rushed into his room. This of course was unacceptable as Darrell had clearly told all the uniforms never to interrupt him while he was working. However, Darrell decided to cut the guy some slack due to the look of terror on the guys face. It was pretty obvious that “transfer” immediately realized that he wasn’t supposed to interrupt Darrell, and said, before rushing out the door, that a bus had crashed on highway 4.

Highway 4 was more of a glorified road than a highway. It was the only 4 lane road in a hundred miles and therefore got the name of Highway 4. “Well,” he thought,while grabbing his jacket and hat, “this paperwork might not get done by Friday.” He gave a quick smile and left his office.

I am still having fun reading through my kids writings. The above, like my previous post, is one of the quick writes my son would do as a warm up for his day. For in middle school he enjoyed writing over everything else, and being able to do it first thing would always get him going. He would lolly gag and dilly dally over his other subjects, so I learned to never hold it out as a reward, because he rarely finished, and thus be able to claim it. Also as I suspected might happen, as he got older he lost the passion for it, and focused more on all those previously “boring” lesson. So it all worked out in the end. Someday though, I hope he finds the desire again and finishes some of his beginnings……

 

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Buried Treasure

There is something quite satisfying about paper shredders. The feeding in of all those mounds of junk mail, and old bank statements, and such. Mine also sounds like one of those cash counting gadgets as it is grinding away. Perhaps that is part of it’s attraction…..hum 🤔 No its gotta be the destruction I’m sure.

Well anyway, as I was working towards eliminating all the paper that sneaks in and tries to reside with me if I am not vigilant, I came across some folders of school work from our homeschool days. How fun it has been to read through the poetry, stories, and those paragraphs I had my son write each day.

No I did not shred them. Even though I am guessing that perhaps they wish I would. For as my son would say, “below is a prime example of teenage angst.”

“The world has fallen into a false daydream” Michael thought to himself, as he kicked a tin can down the street. Life had become boring to him. It was like a clock that hung over his head, and all he could do was wait to hear it stop. He laughed, thinking about the people who rushed past him. They had clocks too, everyone did, but all the clocks were out of sync. Some ran faster than others, and some creaked, like they where about to snap. His clock however ran perfectly, not too fast, and not to slow. He chuckled, some people were cherishing their clocks, oiling and polishing them; trying to get a few extra minutes, clinging desperately to anything that would help their clocks to tick that one extra second. Amidst those hurrying to do whatever they could to fix their clocks, where the ones like him. Who would watch and laugh at the ones with fast clocks. The clocks didn’t matter, all of the clocks would eventually break, and why should they worry about the inevitable.

Sigh….would not it have been nice if I hadn’t been rushing around with such a tightly wound clock when this was written; perhaps I would have noticed how depressed he was 😔 Oh well, water under the bridge and all that, or all’s well that ends well is better said I guess. Yikes! Starting to babble.

❤️ In Christ, now and evermore, Belinda

 

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A Year and Change

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I am not sure why I am always surprised by the arrival of its suffocating presence. It is not like I haven’t been visited by it time and time again over the decades. Still somehow I do manage to forget.

This is obviously for the best, for otherwise I would most likely be paralyzed with dread while waiting for the next time. Instead, I find myself being able to revel in the sunshine while it lasts, and give the dark matters absence, no never mind in the moment.

Well perhaps this is not entirely true, for I am finding that without even realizing it, I have been preparing for a more comfortable visit this time.

I have moved my chair to a western window which overlooks the rose garden, and the neighborhoods comings and goings, to better accommodate those many hours of pondering and listlessness I will be enjoying.

I have set up many small and manageable projects within reach of my chair for easy access when the desire to do sparks unexpectedly. For I have found to rise and muster the gumption to find and gather materials just isn’t going to happen.

I have also surrounded myself with many many books, particularly ones regarding the Lord God of all creation. Because He is the light that turns my voyage through the darkness into something more than nothing. Without Him I would have only despair and loneliness. Where now instead, I am loved…..sigh

Besides, I had a full year of sunshine and I will have another again soon. So this is what I will focus on and look forward to, but for now I will cozy into my treacherous chair and wait.

Blessings Belinda❤️

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The Elusive How

“Don’t aim at success – the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it most ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one’s dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as a by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long run – in the long run, I say! – success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it”

~Viktor Frankl~

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The Middle

10530751_10202596980621253_7927429365337535647_nHow old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

This was in a list of humorous questions posted by Floyd over on Life on the Massanutten. I so enjoy his posts about random bits of this and that.

Well I am coming up blank when I try to guess my age without knowledge. I mean it is really difficult to see yourself as others see you. I remember being young and having my grandmother tell me that she was often taken aback by the old women staring at her from the other side of the mirror. At the time it just seemed kinda of silly and cute, but sigh….do I ever understand what she meant now, because that old woman is currently shadowing me, and popping up in the most inconvenient of places. Usually when I am feeling cocky and lost in delusion, so perhaps it is for the best. Not pleasant, but best.

When I asked some people the question, they came back with how old they would like to be. I hadn’t read it that way, but if I had to give that a gander, I suppose would want to be old enough to know better, but young enough to act upon it, which I suppose really means somewhere in the middle.

Unfortunatly, or fortunately, I am well beyond my middle, but I do have to say that my current here and now is pretty good, and if the incremental creep of better that has followed the many years of my life continues, God willing, I still have my best years ahead of me, yep!

Who can ask for anything more.

Blessing Belinda

Ps. It is Liebe Lee’s Birthday and the above photo is one of my favorites with her, today she is out with her special mister right, and all grown up and getting married in the fall.

 

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