50:17 Zilch, Nada, Nothing

17) Write a letter to a family member

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Monday brought the blues my way, and I don’t much feel like thinking about anyone or anything, so I am pulling out of the archives to answer number 17.

It is a post I wrote to my children for Mother’s Day a few years ago in protest of the notion that motherhood is a sacrifice of some kind, and that I should be venerated for the constant delight and thankfulness having children has produced in my life.

It is a bit stale, and I can happily say that I have managed to break free, but the sentiment is still alive and well within, and is a happy thought to hold on to as I wait for the doldrums to pass, as they always do.

 

The Best of Me

Sacrifice, I don’t think so. I would be so much less without the adventures we have had. I want you kids to know this, really know this, internalize it, sear it into your psyche, deep. Got it? Good.

You need to know I delight in you. It has been the greatest gift that you could ever give me these friendships we have embarked upon as you have matured into adults. I not only love you all deeply, but I like you, respect you, admire your integrity and wit. Sigh…I could not have asked for anything more than this as your mother.

Think of it this way, do you feel like you are sacrificing to be around me lately, or are you just being patient and loving, helping me through this period of angst I am amidst. Really it could be likened to your growing years, with all my moaning and groaning, and my occasional roaring, protesting life, and how it just never gets any easier.

But this has nothing to do with being a mother. I think it must be that fairytale we buy into, where somehow, sometime, we will be all grown up, and everything will just fall into place. All those foibles and gosh darn peccadilloes will resolve themselves and we will have arrived. Well I am sorry to tell you kids that’s just not so.

Oh sure you get better at mitigating, but one day you reach the tipping point, that nebulous moment when a strand of your tightly woven togetherness falters, weakened by age and use, and you begin the slow laborious rebirth of starting over, the learning how to be old before it’s too late. It is so disappointing, and refreshing, to realize you never do get to grow up, instead, if you are very lucky, you break free.

But I am not alone, I have help. Someone to laugh with me as I falter and struggle with this process of discovering a new adventure now that I only have myself to take care and no excuses.

Besides through the years I have learned so much from all of you that I am way ahead of the curve. Much better off than before I had you, and was trying to learn how to be a young adult all by myself

So please, please, please never isolate and smother me with the cloak of sacrifice. Instead let’s continue to give of ourselves, to each other, always and forever, and never forget, you give me the best of me, I would be so much less without you.

much love mom

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50:16 Invisibility Wars Within

17) Seven things learned from being a kid?

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  • Never let them see you cry. It makes you prey.
  • How to be invisible, by being outrageous.
  • Never say what you really think, or ridicule will ensue.
  • How to eat really fast; quietly
  • Walking long distances can be enjoyable.
  • Books are better than friends.
  • Never cheat, it steals the sweetness of a hard won victory.
  • Honor and truth and loyalty can never be overrated.

The hard thing is to unlearn some of these lessons when they fit so comfortably, like a well used pair of boots.

Thus I am often at war with myself.

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50:15 Let Sleeping Thoughts Lie

15) The most difficult decision?

What a horrible question. Like the most embarrassing moment one. It would be distressing mental busy work, this rehashing of the past.

Besides, I don’t make difficult decisions. I have the very intolerable habit of letting Time make them for me, and unfortunately, Time frequently doesn’t do a very good job of it either.

Still, wouldn’t it be lovely, to be decisive and productive….sigh

I would of course like to add, that there was a period not to long ago, when I made decision after decision after decision. And you know what, I was thwarted at every turn, an obstacle of immovable size would smash into my path, doors were looked, windows were slammed. You get the gist.

Finally I admitted defeated and turned to God, and He said be still. Not now. Wait.

So anyway, I am waiting, waiting for what, I am not sure, but one thing I am sure of is that God will tell Time when He is good and ready, and Time will eventually tell me.

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50:14 Bouyancy

14) The day you started blogging. What were you thinking?

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I was trapped inside my head,

Surrounded by people,

Never alone,

Drowning in silence.

By choice,

It was safe.

Writing was not a choice,

It was a necessity,

Definitely not safe,

Still,

Now I can breathe,

With the out flow of words,

I float.

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50:13 Unfathomable

13) Your first love 💕

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I would have to say, my first true love arrived with my first child. Her birth saved my life; she gave me a reason to live. Thankfully, I went on to have four more children, and because love is such an unfathomable thing, and it grows and stretches and accommodates everyone equally into its fold, I was, and am still, deeply in love with my growing family.

However, as true and as wonderful as my love for them is, it was not until Jesus first loved me that I was able to accept, and believe, others love of me in return.

I always felt unworthy and that I needed to earn their love, and be perfect to keep it.

And obviously I am not perfect, thus I was never secure.

Well, my Lord and Savior changed all that when He wrapped His grace round me tight and held me close. It is indescribable, that blanket of pure bliss, so I will give up the effort.

Only say, that all things are possible for God, and being indwelt by His Spirit gives me a strength I could never have dreamed of, and peace and joy and contentment, regardless of my circumstance.

So, if He loves me like that, who am I to question God.

I must be worthy after all, just as I am.

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50:12 Silver Bells and Cockle Shells

12) A how-to post on something you know nothing about.

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I do many things I know absolutely nothing about, and I manage to do this by utilizing my resources, or in other words, I ask my splendiforous children.

Unfortunately this doesn’t make much of a how to post, because what do I say besides, I ask? However I can share one of the ventures I have done without know-how before hand, or to be completely honest, without enough know-how even now.

It began with the discovery of the therapeutic nature of a shovel.

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Thus began the Great Grass War…

Which is still in progress at this point…..

We have reached the far side of the front yard, where things have stalled as they tend to do around here. Well at least until the blazing sun gives us some respite, or the muscles come home for a visit.

I suppose I can end by sharing that my view of utilizing my resources changed significantly when I began homeschooling my youngest two children. For at the public school it was frowned upon to ask others for the answers, as if it was cheating. But I came to understand that it didn’t matter how you came to learn something as long as you did learn it. I mean really isn’t that the point?

Why has learning become a competition, rather than the simple pursuit of knowledge?

Anyway, I found it liberating to realize a significant part of homeschooling was about learning how to learn more than anything else, and that I was not going to have to spoon-feed every lesson forever, because once they learned how to take an objective and find the answers themselves, they were unstoppable.

Well, this is not going as I wanted, it appears that I have not yet learned how to easily communicate what I mean.

But then again, when has not knowing how ever stopped me before 😉

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50:11 never in a million years

11) Your celebrity dinner party. Who would you invite?

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Well definitely not anyone who is even remotely famous. I say this because one likes to think they would be all cool and blasé when encountering a well know personage, but no, not me. I became awkward and uncomfortable, thus it is a miserable experience. So never in a million years would I consider hosting a party that would torment me no end.

However, I decided not to end this post with such an easy out, and instead try to consider who, if anyone, I would possibly want to venture out of my self imposed bubble to entertain.

It cannot be my family, that would be cheating. It has to be someone new, therefore someone risky. Risky in the sense that the entire venture could be for naught and fraught with peril of the social kind.

Well as I sit here typing, it came to me. There are several, if not many, bloggers out there, I imagine I would enjoy sharing a meal with. There would be all the elements of a fine evening of stimulating conversation, or alas, it could be an unmitigated disaster.

For what if they are as socially awkward as I am, and neither one of us knows how to begin, or in my case, because I am known to babble uncontrollably when nervous, it could not be silence that is the problem, but incessant speech, and then at the conclusion of the evening, regardless of spacious silence or crushing motor mouth, to have it end with nothing but a great sigh of relieve that it is over.

But, and I love buts, it could also be entirely lovely.

It’s just too bad we will never find out.

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