50:39 I’ve Lost It!

50:39 Something you lost

Sigh…..

So lonely, but guilty about it.

For I am so blessed, truly.

I am not unsheltered, unclothed, unfed, unloved, unsaved.

The Lord is holding my hand through the darkest of nights.

I often now can sleep in peace.

But I am lonely, and thus unsettled, even when I have every thing to be thankful for.

Not that I am not thankful, I am every moment of every day.

Almost to the point of pain do I see the glory of God in all.

Despair no long rules my life.

Everything has a purpose and a good if one looks hard enough beyond the suffering.

I know that God is good. It is His nature. I Trust.

However, to be honest, all of this knowing does not keep out the sharp arrows of doubt, which have me waiting for the balloon to burst on my overflowing abundance.

At least though I can say at this juncture in my life, I recognize the waiting for the fall of doom as the lie that it is.

And I question whether I am purposefully letting it loose? Am I sabotaging my new found happiness because without suffering it is harder to hold as tightly to the Lord, as I do when I am in abject need and fear?

I think this is why I am lonely. I am happy.

And I am craving another to share my Lord and Savior with.

Someone to talk with about what the Lord shared with me today.

Someone to keep the focus with, to share the joy with in the good times and the bad.

Someone face to face.

A Soul Mate.

Sigh…..

Why am I discontent?

Because God created us for relationship, and I like everyone else am feeling the lack of closure in this plague of restriction.

So, instead I will look for the good. Before covid I felt put upon when I had to go somewhere. Now I crave the return to church, the return to people, the return to hugs.

I am like a new creation when it comes to a desire for social interaction.

Perhaps because covid brought to the surface my uncontrolled anxiety and fear of death and people. I had no choice but to surrender all to God and make peace with dying and people.

When this whole thing first began I thought easy-peasy, I don’t like people so this is like a dream come true.

But then I became quite ill in March, with onset of that illness and the simultaneous arrival of covid, I turned into a monster of fear to my family because I am one of “those people” one of the immune compromised.

But the kicker is when I almost let myself die in September from a raging and painful infection rather than go to the hospital. I was beyond hope of self rescue in my pool of fear.

But then God…..

I had never really believed that one could give their problems to God and He would take them unto Himself and one could be healed.

What can I say, it is so stupid when I am so blessed, but I feel at loose ends, half gone, because my life long constant companions and tormentors, Anxiety and Fear, are banished.

Losing my them is a treasure beyond measure, and I haven’t wanted to name it for silly faithless superstitious reasons.

But that is just so demeaning to the Lord of Glory. Let it go, let it go, in the name of Jesus, let it go.

I feel so different, not myself, but then again, more myself than ever.

Is this why I am lonely?

If so praise the Lord and let me stay this way. I do not want those twin demons back.

O Lord, please heal Your creation.

Thank You for Your common grace to keep evil in check.

Please give us the tools necessary to banish the virus without turning our backs on individuals and the knowledge that every life is precious and made in Your image. May we love those who hate us and care for those in need. May we walk by the fruit of Your Spirit and share love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, against these things there is no restraint or social distance.

I also thank you Lord for the gift of Your Spirit, the most lovely soul mate a person could ask for. Please Lord do not let me forget Your mercy and lovingkindness in the prosperity of spirit You have provided me today.

Blessings,

Belinda

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Fight Cage

Today is going to be a difficult day. The anxiety is pooling into the center of my chest trying to make me scream in surrender. Every muscle aches from the pressing in required to contain it, and its close companion despair. My skin feels to be stretching and contracting as if its dark tendrils are seeking for a weak spot to rupture.

Sometimes I wonder if it would go away forever if I just let it escape, and completely go insane for a moment, but another part of me knows I can never let this happen, for the possibility of it taking permanent control, and thus losing my rational self, is far too great a risk.

So instead today will be a small day, a day of watching and waiting from the sanctuary of my treacherous chair. Utilizing the distractions I have placed within easy reach for such times as this.

For it will pass, it always does, it’s only a matter of time. Keeping this in mind is essential for survival of a winning attitude throughout the battle. For no matter how fragile I become, endurance will be readily available for the taking as long as I can keep my focus on the light shinning forth from the open door on the other side of my cage of control.

For I know with the Lord’s help, I will be victorious, and He and I will pass on through together, back into the light, and then will proceed to lock up a weakened anxiety, once again defeated in this battle, on the inside of the now pitch black cage.

And maybe this time, I will remember not to feed it, slip it the occasional crumbs of hopelessness, and therefore give it back its strength and desire to break free, or maybe not, maybe this is to be part of my life.

I do know that with each and every battle, I am learning to let the Lord handle more and more of it. So just maybe I am learning to relinquish my all to Christ. If this is so, I cannot wait for the dawning of the day where the Lord is the rock upon which I rest, and truly without a shadow of a doubt rely upon to vanquish my foes.

But to be frankly honest with myself I must acknowledge, with the devil crouching at my weak spot, the door of my cage, just waiting for me to be distracted, unfocused, human, and thus give him the key, so he can then open the door just a smidgen, so as to let anxiety flicker its familiar come hither my way, I cannot see the war being fully won this side of paradise.

So I wait, I hope, I yearn for heaven, and for eternal freedom and rest. But until then, I will continue to put on daily, the full armor of God to fight the good fight one day at a time. Days for which I praise the Lord for giving me in His abundant lovingkindness and mercy and grace. To God be the glory forever and ever, Amen.

~~~~~

Unless the Lord had been my help,

My soul would soon have settled in silence.

If I say, “My foot slips,”

Your mercy, O Lord, will hold me up.

In the multitude of anxieties within me,

Your comforts delight my soul.

~Psalm 94:17-19~

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Embraceable

The weight of the darkness is tempting me.

My body tingles so from its constriction.

I want so desperately to burrow in.

For to let it squash me smaller still.

Thus slip unnoticed back to Quiet.

Waiting hungrily for my return.

Within the camouflaged corners of my mind.

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When Hope Wanes

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“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.” Psalm 23

Fear and Anxiety are my enemies and are presently crouching at the door of my mind just waiting to gobble me up, but the Lord (what a lovely phrase, but the Lord) is walking with me, and He is mightier than all. This I need to keep front and center, and therefore partake of the feast of His goodness and mercy which will be with me all the days of my life.

And as a fellow blogger stated this morning, as long as we keep getting back up we will never fail.

❤️ Blessings Belinda

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The Edge

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I am standing on the edge of the pit of despair, and today it is a deceptively lovely place. For as I gaze upon my garden, mesmerized by its beauty, and the constant activity of the birds, bees, butterflies and sunbathing lizards, I am not looking for a job with which to pay for my place in its center.

I really thought I would be able to pull it together and go out and tackle the world I have avoided for the last 42 years while I worked at the job I just lost. I really thought I would be able to, so much so, that I gave myself a complete makeover, wardrobe, hair, glasses etc.

I liked myself the way I was, but thought it would be better to not look like such a…..humm…..eccentric? free spirit? bohemian? or perhaps some would think nut case fits best. If I had to choose, I think I would go with comfortable, and I don’t think comfortable will fly in the corporate workplace, at least not on an interview. So conform I did.

Well, now that it is time to look, I am paralyzed. I do not have the slightest idea how to go about getting another job, how to write a resume, how to even describe what it is I can do. I am clueless. I am not trying to short change myself. I am very good at what I do, but I just don’t know how to present it to others, and I am 58 years old with crippling social anxiety, and its constant come and go companion, depression.

When I had a job I had to go to everyday, I did, and I functioned well. I may not have liked my job, but it was familiar, safe, and I was good at it. Now though, I have to make myself step out and try to communicate with others why they would want to hire me over anyone else. All without a clear path or direction, and I don’t know if I can do it.

Medication is not an option, I lost my health insurance with my job.

So instead, for the first time, I am standing on the edge of the pit, and I know that if I don’t get my act together soon, I just might decide to step in, and let the world fall apart, while sit in my nice safe hole, and watch the butterflies flit and the lizards do push ups.

But lest you think I am doing nothing at all, no I am very busy wasting my time, cutting reusable Easter Basket grass from faded fabrics I was going to throw away.

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And I finished my quilt top, but will put it away to make some summer pajamas.

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Regardless these things will not pay the mortgage, so frivolous and distracting the are.

Sigh……maybe tomorrow will be the day I go out and tackle the problem, because it sure is not going to be today.

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