Fight Cage

Today is going to be a difficult day. The anxiety is pooling into the center of my chest trying to make me scream in surrender. Every muscle aches from the pressing in required to contain it, and its close companion despair. My skin feels to be stretching and contracting as if its dark tendrils are seeking for a weak spot to rupture.

Sometimes I wonder if it would go away forever if I just let it escape, and completely go insane for a moment, but another part of me knows I can never let this happen, for the possibility of it taking permanent control, and thus losing my rational self, is far too great a risk.

So instead today will be a small day, a day of watching and waiting from the sanctuary of my treacherous chair. Utilizing the distractions I have placed within easy reach for such times as this.

For it will pass, it always does, it’s only a matter of time. Keeping this in mind is essential for survival of a winning attitude throughout the battle. For no matter how fragile I become, endurance will be readily available for the taking as long as I can keep my focus on the light shinning forth from the open door on the other side of my cage of control.

For I know with the Lord’s help, I will be victorious, and He and I will pass on through together, back into the light, and then will proceed to lock up a weakened anxiety, once again defeated in this battle, on the inside of the now pitch black cage.

And maybe this time, I will remember not to feed it, slip it the occasional crumbs of hopelessness, and therefore give it back its strength and desire to break free, or maybe not, maybe this is to be part of my life.

I do know that with each and every battle, I am learning to let the Lord handle more and more of it. So just maybe I am learning to relinquish my all to Christ. If this is so, I cannot wait for the dawning of the day where the Lord is the rock upon which I rest, and truly without a shadow of a doubt rely upon to vanquish my foes.

But to be frankly honest with myself I must acknowledge, with the devil crouching at my weak spot, the door of my cage, just waiting for me to be distracted, unfocused, human, and thus give him the key, so he can then open the door just a smidgen, so as to let anxiety flicker its familiar come hither my way, I cannot see the war being fully won this side of paradise.

So I wait, I hope, I yearn for heaven, and for eternal freedom and rest. But until then, I will continue to put on daily, the full armor of God to fight the good fight one day at a time. Days for which I praise the Lord for giving me in His abundant lovingkindness and mercy and grace. To God be the glory forever and ever, Amen.

~~~~~

Unless the Lord had been my help,

My soul would soon have settled in silence.

If I say, “My foot slips,”

Your mercy, O Lord, will hold me up.

In the multitude of anxieties within me,

Your comforts delight my soul.

~Psalm 94:17-19~

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Designs by Beckalodious

 

Today I spend the evening at an art walk with my daughter. These art shows were typically a ready made opportunity for me to people watch and create fantastical stories of their life for my own enjoyment.

However with my daughter’s increasing skill in her jewelry art, these shows are now busy occasions with many sales and actual, rather than imaginary, interactions with real live people.

This is a really good thing considering my current state of unemployment, and additionally, I am as proud a mama as is possible. Especially when I see such photos as above, with a sampling of her sterling silver flowers, where each individual petal is hand cut and formed.

I just wish I wasn’t smack dab in the middle of a fibro flare, because I’m not going to be much more than a warm body in a chair this evening.

My daughter assures me that just my simple presence is helpful, and I know that she is not just blowing smoke with those words, so disappointing her is not a problem.

No, I am the problem, for even after 25 years with chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia, I have not reconciled my perceived self to my limitations, and I let this irrationality influence my opinion of myself in unhelpful negative ways…sigh.

As always though, I know I can find restoration with the Lord. He sees me as I am, not as I think I should be, and pours in His love beyond measure to fill in the gaps I have left hanging wide open from a desire to be other than I am.

I guess you could say that feasting upon His word daily plumps me up enough to smooth out the rough edges of being human.

Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation. — Isaiah 12:3

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Beckalodious.com

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Embraceable

The weight of the darkness is tempting me.

My body tingles so from its constriction.

I want so desperately to burrow in.

For to let it squash me smaller still.

Thus slip unnoticed back to Quiet.

Waiting hungrily for my return.

Within the camouflaged corners of my mind.

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