50:39 I’ve Lost It!

50:39 Something you lost

Sigh…..

So lonely, but guilty about it.

For I am so blessed, truly.

I am not unsheltered, unclothed, unfed, unloved, unsaved.

The Lord is holding my hand through the darkest of nights.

I often now can sleep in peace.

But I am lonely, and thus unsettled, even when I have every thing to be thankful for.

Not that I am not thankful, I am every moment of every day.

Almost to the point of pain do I see the glory of God in all.

Despair no long rules my life.

Everything has a purpose and a good if one looks hard enough beyond the suffering.

I know that God is good. It is His nature. I Trust.

However, to be honest, all of this knowing does not keep out the sharp arrows of doubt, which have me waiting for the balloon to burst on my overflowing abundance.

At least though I can say at this juncture in my life, I recognize the waiting for the fall of doom as the lie that it is.

And I question whether I am purposefully letting it loose? Am I sabotaging my new found happiness because without suffering it is harder to hold as tightly to the Lord, as I do when I am in abject need and fear?

I think this is why I am lonely. I am happy.

And I am craving another to share my Lord and Savior with.

Someone to talk with about what the Lord shared with me today.

Someone to keep the focus with, to share the joy with in the good times and the bad.

Someone face to face.

A Soul Mate.

Sigh…..

Why am I discontent?

Because God created us for relationship, and I like everyone else am feeling the lack of closure in this plague of restriction.

So, instead I will look for the good. Before covid I felt put upon when I had to go somewhere. Now I crave the return to church, the return to people, the return to hugs.

I am like a new creation when it comes to a desire for social interaction.

Perhaps because covid brought to the surface my uncontrolled anxiety and fear of death and people. I had no choice but to surrender all to God and make peace with dying and people.

When this whole thing first began I thought easy-peasy, I don’t like people so this is like a dream come true.

But then I became quite ill in March, with onset of that illness and the simultaneous arrival of covid, I turned into a monster of fear to my family because I am one of “those people” one of the immune compromised.

But the kicker is when I almost let myself die in September from a raging and painful infection rather than go to the hospital. I was beyond hope of self rescue in my pool of fear.

But then God…..

I had never really believed that one could give their problems to God and He would take them unto Himself and one could be healed.

What can I say, it is so stupid when I am so blessed, but I feel at loose ends, half gone, because my life long constant companions and tormentors, Anxiety and Fear, are banished.

Losing my them is a treasure beyond measure, and I haven’t wanted to name it for silly faithless superstitious reasons.

But that is just so demeaning to the Lord of Glory. Let it go, let it go, in the name of Jesus, let it go.

I feel so different, not myself, but then again, more myself than ever.

Is this why I am lonely?

If so praise the Lord and let me stay this way. I do not want those twin demons back.

O Lord, please heal Your creation.

Thank You for Your common grace to keep evil in check.

Please give us the tools necessary to banish the virus without turning our backs on individuals and the knowledge that every life is precious and made in Your image. May we love those who hate us and care for those in need. May we walk by the fruit of Your Spirit and share love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control, against these things there is no restraint or social distance.

I also thank you Lord for the gift of Your Spirit, the most lovely soul mate a person could ask for. Please Lord do not let me forget Your mercy and lovingkindness in the prosperity of spirit You have provided me today.

Blessings,

Belinda

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Life is Bitter Sweet

 

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I will miss them more than I thought I would, but my sadness with their passing is not the main reason for my not wanting anymore pets, it is because I am planning a new direction for my life.

For the last decade or so, I have invested much of my time into providing some fresh food for my family and myself. This included extensive gardens, planting trees, chickens, and other accouterments, like rabbits and worms, and composting etc….

Well, I had lots of help when I started, unlike now, and I have come to accept that I cannot play at being an urban farmer, and also sell my house so I can retire. So I am giving it up to quilt, with the many bins of fabric I recently inherited. Not only because it is a portable hobby, but because, the quilts I can sell to supplement my social security, which I can live on if I don’t have a house payment.

Therefore the loss of my pets is pushing forward a plan of leaving California. Something I could not have considered when they were still with me. However, knowing it gives me my freedom, does not make the loss any less sad.

 

Rosalinda

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Quiet Riot

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I am proud to be a part of the quiet riot which is occurring across our great nation. We are not taking to the streets and causing mayhem and destruction, rather we are using the tools provided by the founding fathers of this country, which is built upon the freedom to be different.

And I intend to continue to be heard, regardless of the ongoing din of nonsense and silly talk. I will quietly, but diligently, weld my sword of rights: the right to vote, the right to bear arms, the right of freedom of expression, and freedom from a state imposed religion.

I hope you noticed that I listed voting first, for in this republic it is the most powerful weapon available to us, so I suggest we all continue to use it often and wisely.

Do not let complacency in the coming good times, silence us all…..sigh

(A repost from the past, but it is so important to vote. Do not let the screamers make you burrow)

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50:4 Freedom to Love

4) The day I left home?

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This for me is a trick question, because it brought to mind the day I decided not to leave home, and the life changing events that inevitably followed.

I am not quite sure how to begin, other than to say that somehow or another I had let myself slip into an abyss of sorrow and fear. It was such a slow descent, and completely unintentional on my part, that I didn’t notice its depth until I scared myself silly.

As I look back and try to bring some coherence to the event it is more difficult than I imagined it would be. Perhaps because I am such a completely different person now that it all seems so unreal. Well maybe not different, I was just lost before, under smothering layers of silence and self-inflicted compliance, put into place by my desire for love,

Unfortunately, what I had experienced in my life, was back-handed compliments if they were given at all, criticism for your own good, and a complete lack of physical touch. I had no idea how a close loving family should be. It was no wonder that I ended up married to an unstable narcissist, I was a clueless sitting duck.

Anyway to get to the point, some time ago, in another universe, I was as unhappy as could be. I was so done with how my life was and I could not find a way to fix it. Obviously now I can look back and recognize the depression, but in the midst of it, you are fooled. I mean I had five incredible children and I had convinced myself they would be better off without me, so I began planning my departure.

I had a plan, what it was doesn’t matter, what does is that I could never see beyond the arrival to the cheap accommodations, and suddenly it occurred to me that what I was really contemplating was the ending of my life.

Sigh…this never gets any easier to articulate, maybe harder as more time goes by and life keeps getting exponentially better, but I can clearly see the providence of God when I look back and realize how dicey things actually were. Drastic change was necessary and He provided the means.

For with the frightening realization of my state of mind, I immediately went out and around and told others what was up with me as an accountability and deterrent, which was entirely out of character; I never shared, ever.

And then somewhere out of the blue my eyes were opened to truth, I garnered the strength and ability to begin peeling off decades of unhealthy behaviors, stand up for my children and myself, and stop taking the blame for the anger issues of my spouse.

However, best of all, I have learned how to show love and to be loved. For a good and gracious God told me how. He has given us His living Word for just that purpose.

So really, the day I didn’t leave home, was my independence day

May the Lord bless you and keep you,

Belinda

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.”

Corinthians 13

 

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Quiet Riot

 

I am proud to be a part of the quiet riot which is occurring across our great nation. We are not taking to the streets and causing mayhem and destruction, rather we are using the tools provided by the founding fathers of this country, which is built upon the freedom to be different.

And I intend to continue to be heard, regardless of the ongoing din of nonsense and silly talk. I will quietly, but diligently, weld my sword of rights: the right to vote, the right to bear arms, the right of freedom of expression, and freedom from a state imposed religion.

I hope you noticed that I listed voting first, for in this republic it is the most powerful weapon available to us, so I suggest we all continue to use it often and wisely.

Do not let complacency in the coming good times, silence us all…..sigh

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A New Birthday Wish

It is funny how life changes. The progression always fascinates, but then again, I am easily entertained. You see, it is my birthday, and for as long as forever, I have been wanting to spend the entire day in bed, undisturbed, eating bonbons and reading. Not that I do not do this occasionally (well maybe not with bonbons) but on my birthday it should be absolutely guilt free. Right?

So today, the possibility has finally arrived if I wanted to choose for it to be so. Nevertheless, I am finding that reclining is the last thing I would want to do. For at this age of maturity I spend much too much of my time sitting and resting from necessity, thus to seek it on purpose gives me no pleasure.

This does however create a dilemma for me to solve. I now need to come up with a new birthday wish. It may seem foolish, and perhaps to some a bit depressing, but it appears that I like to have an unrealized dream, something to look forward to, something to wax lyrically over. I have never given serious intent to the reaching out and grabbing hold of my wishes, for it appears to me, that I like the idea of them, more than the actual physical accomplishment of them.

With that in mind, I really do need to dream bigger, higher, deeper. For it appears that I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, by reaching for the stars. But then again, with Christ by my side, I already have the biggest dream I could ever dream, and it doesn’t get any deeper than that.

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