The freesias are being smothered by the relentless march of the purple irises. And I have to suppose the nasturtiums are doing their part to claim the territory for themselves too.
I love when the gift of a pot of flowers, becomes a take care of themselves mound of loveliness.
My white iris finished its marathon and I have been mourning its absence. But today! God sent me a fresh reminder of His perfect provision for me in the glowing white lilies that are beginning their bloom.
I know He is always with me, bloom or no bloom, but I am fragile at the moment, and thus I am ever thankful for the nudge He gives to get me out of my myself and to renew again my confidence in Him.
Praise the Lord He loves me just as I am. My rock and my Redeemer. He lives within my heart.
I have been struggling with doubt the last several weeks. Not doubt of God’s goodness or provision, but of my ability to let Him lead me into a whole new world. And when I contemplate the source of my doubt, beyond the evil ones depressing whisperings, I come to the end of the rabbit trail, and realize it is not the final destination I am fretting over, but the journey to get there, the change that inevitability will be necessary.
Sort of like not being afraid of death, but still being afraid of dying. You want the treasure that lies on the other side, but the way of getting there is not to be desired to the point of dread.
My doubts are not about God’s goodness, or the hard earned ability to be content with little and content with much, no they are ultimately coming to rest on my inability to easily incorporate change in my life. The very thought of change is panic inducing, and I very much need the Lord to remind me through His creation that everything which will be, will be for the best.
For having lost my job last September I am quickly approaching the jump point into…..
That’s just it.
Into what?
At the moment the only answer to that query is have faith, have trust, and ready set go!
What! Ready set go?
Ready set go what?
That is very very hard for me. I like a plan and I don’t have one. And the answer to my prayers and petitions is nothing, except trust Me. And I do trust Him, for the more I consider, and shake in my boots, the more I believe in this plan of no plan.
This willingness to take head on any obstacle or sacrifice necessary to get to the other side of being unsettled. Even the sacrifice of having to rely on others. A concept that is so foreign to my, soon to be past, way of life.
Believing, trusting, has been hard, really hard, the process has extracted many a pound of flesh, but I have learned to believe the promises of God. His offered abundance of joy. But still Lord, people!! That is going to take some getting used to.
Can I do it? Of course I can. I have no choice, unless I am willing to tell God He is wrong.
So the visual reminders He places in my life, that tell me He will never leave me or forsake me, somehow seem to soften in my mind the somewhere landing that is coming, sometime, and somehow. It baffles my understanding how a flower can so center my mind and keep me fixated on it while a storm of chaos is swirling all around me, but it does, because He does. He is offering me a white dove of peace and contentment to be had in all circumstances.
However, all that being true, my fragile to many times traumatized self is still fighting the change thing, and is tightly afraid of its potentially paralyzing affect. So really, I think ultimately, the Lord is just going to need to push me when I’m not looking.
Yep, that would definitely work for me.
But, sigh…
There is that step of faith thing ringing in my ears.
Heavy sigh…..
Okay! Okay!
I’ll jump.
I hope.
May all Blessings in Christ be yours in abundance,
Belinda
Let the words of my mouth and meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.
Psalm 19:14