Renew Me

The freesias are being smothered by the relentless march of the purple irises. And I have to suppose the nasturtiums are doing their part to claim the territory for themselves too.

I love when the gift of a pot, becomes a take care of themselves, mound of loveliness.

I love when the gift of a pot of flowers, becomes a take care of themselves mound of loveliness.

My white iris finished its marathon, and I have been mourning its absence. But today! God sent me a reminder of His perfect provision for me in the glowing white lilies that a beginning their bloom. I know He is always with me, bloom or no bloom, but I am just a frail human that needs Him to nudge me out of my doubt all to frequently. Praise the Lord He loves me always and forever just as I am.

My white iris finished its marathon and I have been mourning its absence. But today! God sent me a fresh reminder of His perfect provision for me in the glowing white lilies that are beginning their bloom.

I know He is always with me, bloom or no bloom, but I am fragile at the moment, and thus I am ever thankful for the nudge He gives to get me out of my myself and to renew again my confidence in Him.

Praise the Lord He loves me just as I am. My rock and my Redeemer. He lives within my heart.

I have been struggling with doubt the last several weeks. Not doubt of God’s goodness or provision, but of my ability to let Him lead me into a whole new world. And when I contemplate the source of my doubt, beyond the evil ones depressing whisperings, I come to the end of the rabbit trail, and realize it is not the final destination I am fretting over, but the journey to get there, the change that inevitability will be necessary.

Sort of like not being afraid of death, but still being afraid of dying. You want the treasure that lies on the other side, but the way of getting there is not to be desired to the point of dread.

My doubts are not about God’s goodness, or the hard earned ability to be content with little and content with much, no they are ultimately coming to rest on my inability to easily incorporate change in my life. The very thought of change is panic inducing, and I very much need the Lord to remind me through His creation that everything which will be, will be for the best.

For having lost my job last September I am quickly approaching the jump point into…..

That’s just it.

Into what?

At the moment the only answer to that query is have faith, have trust, and ready set go!

What! Ready set go?

Ready set go what?

That is very very hard for me. I like a plan and I don’t have one. And the answer to my prayers and petitions is nothing, except trust Me. And I do trust Him, for the more I consider, and shake in my boots, the more I believe in this plan of no plan.

This willingness to take head on any obstacle or sacrifice necessary to get to the other side of being unsettled. Even the sacrifice of having to rely on others. A concept that is so foreign to my, soon to be past, way of life.

Believing, trusting, has been hard, really hard, the process has extracted many a pound of flesh, but I have learned to believe the promises of God. His offered abundance of joy. But still Lord, people!! That is going to take some getting used to.

Can I do it? Of course I can. I have no choice, unless I am willing to tell God He is wrong.

So the visual reminders He places in my life, that tell me He will never leave me or forsake me, somehow seem to soften in my mind the somewhere landing that is coming, sometime, and somehow. It baffles my understanding how a flower can so center my mind and keep me fixated on it while a storm of chaos is swirling all around me, but it does, because He does. He is offering me a white dove of peace and contentment to be had in all circumstances.

However, all that being true, my fragile to many times traumatized self is still fighting the change thing, and is tightly afraid of its potentially paralyzing affect. So really, I think ultimately, the Lord is just going to need to push me when I’m not looking.

Yep, that would definitely work for me.

But, sigh…

There is that step of faith thing ringing in my ears.

Heavy sigh…..

Okay! Okay!

I’ll jump.

I hope.

May all Blessings in Christ be yours in abundance,

Belinda

Let the words of my mouth and meditation of my heart
Be acceptable in Your sight,
O Lord, my rock and my Redeemer.
Psalm 19:14

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Seeking Thankfulness

The first calle lily is beginning to bloom.

The first Calle lily is beginning to bloom. I had to cut down the plant that provided them shade, so now they struggle. It is delightful to see them blooming, before full sun reaches the north side of the house, and the heat chases them away.

Today I am ever so thankful for the opportunity sit outside in the cooler temperatures of winter and enjoy the warmth of the sun on my back. Its hug soothes my soul and softens the hard corners of life.

While I sat and enjoyed the butterflies and the bees looking for flowers (mostly dandelions), my granddaughter folded herself up and slowly drifted off to sleep in my lap with the sunshine kissing the sweet tender nape of her neck. Such heaven.

California poppies….sigh of contentment here.

May the God of all creation bless your life today and give you the treasures of His heart.

Belinda

“In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:18

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For He who Promised is Faithful

My daughter teases me about wanting hodgepodge, when I cannot stop planting in rows.

There are ghosts from my past who’ve owned more of my soul,
Then I thought I had given away.
They linger in closets and under my bed,
And in pictures less proudly displayed.
~Jennifer Knapp, Martyrs & Thieves

The braided rug I am making from my mother’s clothes is coming along nicely.

So, do you want to think about addiction? No?
Well actually neither do I. It has already been too much on my mind lately as I struggle with some effective, but highly addictive medications.

For after spending the years from ten to twenty two lost and alone inside alcoholism, I have spent all the years afterwards determined never to return to the abyss of addiction. After awhile it wasn’t a struggle just a resident fact of which I was mindful.

I suspect God blessed me with three children in the first five years of the struggle to keep me occupied and smothered in love so that the lure of disappearing from myself, and therefore them, was as repulsive of an action that I could conceive of at the time.

Unfortunately that repulsive reflex to drugs, which was so strongly overdeveloped for my safety and more importantly for the safety of my children, is currently causing me daily grieve now that I no longer need it. It is interfering with my need to allow myself to be addicted to the drugs that give me the ability to actively live, and live abundantly. For now that they have given me the experience of living pain free and without anxiety crouching in the shadows, going back to what I used to find difficult, becomes magnified beyond hope. Addiction in its purest form, the endless aching need.

I was told before I started them, that the medications had a high possibility of being addictive. I went into this situation with my eyes wide open. But still I find myself every night when the lights are dimmed and my world slows down, going through the same refrain of this is not good, tomorrow you stop depending. And then morning comes along with the everyday response of why is it a bad thing to want to live abundantly. Which only leads into the endless loop of how can I reprogram my brain to accept this addiction as a good thing, and thus be able to stop this ridiculous daily struggle. To just take the darn medicine and have my brain shut up!

In the past perhaps part of the struggle would have been that I know these medications have side effects that will most likely lessen the span of my years. But I have reached an age where that possibility is acceptable. For I would rather have fewer good years than more years like the ones the medication is taking me away from.

This thought pattern disturbs my children, but only time can teach them the why of it. And I hope and pray that they can develop such an abiding love in Jesus that they not hold too tightly their years on this earth, but grasp the them lightly and fondly, while keeping a fierce grip on the endless, open, timelessness of being to be found when in the presence of their Creator.

So as always, I seem to get lost in my love for Jesus and not stay on focus, however that is the good part of life, so embrace it I will. And if I consider His love, I realize that I have the answer for my nagging brain. Only the Lord can help me. Only He can banish the fear of the soul sucking abyss of addiction. Only He can banish the evil one’s whispers of failure and his lying lure of a pain free existence in my own strength and might. The evil one always dangles pride as the answer to all of whatever it is one desires.

Once again Lord thank you for the answer. Only Jesus is my plea, the only argument that can bring me silence. I must give it to Him and rest, stop thinking and trust. He will never let me go. He promised. To the abyss I can never return.

For He who promised is faithful. This is my constant companion. It gets me over myself more times than I want to count. I know it comes from Hebrews and I can’t remember the context, and I really don’t need to, because it is not Scripture I am quoting, only a voicing of my deep seated trust that He promises me so many things throughout Scripture of which I can always depend upon. That is what trust is about. Keeping all your promises, always and forever. He will hold me fast. For He who promised is faithful. ❤️

Blessings, Belinda

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Passion and Compassion

Daffodils
Snowdrops
And Violets

It has begun.

A hummingbird nest to watch from my kitchen window.
And the best, another bloom is forthcoming on the white iris which hasn’t stopped blooming for ever so long…..sigh. I’m in love with Jesus forever and always, Amen.

I have been working my way through a four-volume commentary on Matthew for the last several years. I am slow, but I like to stop reading each day when a wow that’s neat moment happens. And with this commentary that can happen several times a page.

My only criticism of it would be that for all its passion (which is good), and all its intellectual depth ( which is very good), I am finding the closer I get to the end, I am much more aware of a shallow compassion for sinners. Something which I can easily be caught up by and drawn into myself. But I would like to be better.

Today the Holy Spirit was so kind, and directed my thoughts in a different direction, towards compassion and humility. Perhaps because I am simultaneously working on a study of Acts and a Scripture writing plan on the abundant mercy of God, and today’s copying was in 1 Timothy. How can one not be filled with compassion and humility when one encounters Paul.

Back to the commentary. I am enthralled that I am reaching this point as a lead into Easter.

The Illegal and Unjust Condemnation of Jesus
Then the high priest tore his robes saying, “He has blasphemed! What further need do we have of witnesses? Behold, you have heard the blasphemy; what do you think?” They answered, “He is deserving of death!” Mathew 26:65-66

My knee jerk reaction is as condemning of them as they are of Jesus, because the are reviling my God! Let them burn in hell for eternity. Let them die the painful death of forever.

Then my brain is paused, and I consider that this is what they think of Jesus, for reviling their God.

They should have understood and known that Jesus was who He said He was, for only God could have done all the things He had done. Scripture was fulfilled , but they had closed their minds to the truth.

They repel me, but I hear the refrain in my head, “Their sins they are many, His mercy is more”.

And “Then Jesus said, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they are doing.” Luke 23:34a

I can but do no more than to press into the Holy Spirit and feel His love fill my soul with the compassion He has for me. For I know all the sin I hide within my heart, and I know how very much I need His compassion.

So, I will not condemn them in my heart. I will leave it to God to judge as He says He will.

“Jesus said to him, “You have said it yourself; nevertheless I tell you, hereafter you will see me The Son of Man Sitting at the Right Hand of Power, and Coming on the Clouds of Heaven.” Matthew 26:64

To save or not. His will be done.

For God’s abundant mercy is far greater than I can ever comprehend. and maybe just perhaps, not all that were gathered together, some of them hopefully might have mistakenly believed that they were doing right and later regretted their heinous sin, repented and believed. I for one cannot throw the first stone.

It is so easy in passion to jump in and condemn and forget about the compassionate abundant mercy of God, of Jesus’s compassion to die for all unworthy sinners. When instead I should be the visible for the invisible, living out the Scriptures with the same passion I seem to be able to garner for condemnation.

To be a light in the darkness, to burn bright and hot for Christ, which means one must be present in the darkness, offering abundant mercy in the name of Jesus. Lover of my soul.

Blessings, Belinda

“It is a trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost of all. Yet for this reason I found mercy, so that in me as the foremost, Jesus Christ might demonstrate His perfect patience as an example for those who would believe in Him for eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever, Amen.” 1 Timothy 1:15-17

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A Christmas Bloom?

Maybe? Perhaps? The blooms have been steady in the coming, and now there is a bud showing, so maybe, perhaps, I will be gifted by the Lord with the white iris bloom for Christmas morning.

I have been thinking a lot about prayer lately. Why is it so hard? What is wrong with me?

Then while reading a small book by Paul Washer called The Essential Means of Grace I came across his opinion that prayer is a very hard discipline, and that it takes a lot of intentional effort to keep at it. But as with all disciplines, it will become easier with time and practice. I am definitely paraphrasing here about what I remember the text saying, because I have lent the book to a friend.

It might seem trivial, but for me that idea, that prayer was hard, was a game changer in my prayer life. No one had ever said this out loud in my presence before.

I am a late in life Christian and praying was not something I was familiar with. And perhaps Christians who have grown up with prayer as a daily part of their life don’t realize what a foreign concept it can be to an independent, rely only on yourself, secularly raised individual. And don’t get me started about the uncomfortable, run for the hills, awkwardness of small group, take your turn, praying.

Anyway, reading Paul Walker’s book about the richness, and the difficulty, that prayer brings to your walk with the Lord, has me pondering why is it difficult? Why I am struggling so much?

And the Lord, being the awesome God that He is, has been directing my thoughts. Prayer is still hard, but now I have hope, and that is His lovingkindness shining though to my benefit.

That prayer is hope. And my hope is in the Lord, so prayer is my hope in the Lord. Why else would there be so much enfolding love and security found in praying without ceasing, for to stop praying is to stop depending on God. The giver of all things good. The protector of my soul.

Not praying as a means of bending God’s will to my own, but of submitting my will to to the Father. There is such hope in that. For there is no better place to be, than in a position of fully relying on Him. Such peace that brings. A peace that looks like craziness to those who don’t understand.

But truthfully it is hard. My goodness is it hard. The rabbit holes my brain goes down. Sometimes very painful rabbit holes. However I think perhaps this is by God’s own leading, not a failure of focus on my part. Because when I go down through these memories with Him, I can look at the place we have come to, and hopefully give it to Him, and ask for His patience and guidance and help, in forgetting or forgiving the sorrows I hold onto with such an unhealthy fearful tightness.

Then one day the biggest pitfall was revealed. In an of course, facepalm, this is why moment. It is pride.

Was I caught up in thinking it was me, my prayers, that made the difference, and caused the desired outcome. A responsibility I definitely wouldn’t want to have, and would certainly be a factor in dampening my desire to pray for others.

Was I subconsciously thinking if I did or didn’t pray, the outcome would be any different than what God has willed to be? Such hubris, such pride.

With that hidden mind set lurking, crouching in the shadows waiting to pounce, it is very hard to stay humble while praying, to not think or feel that you are the cause of healing or the helping. Pride is such an insidious thing. It slips in and whispers evil that steals the glory from where it belongs, with God and God alone.

So this stream of consciousness rabbit hole could ramble out of control if given its freedom. But that is how my prayer life is and why would I expect a post mainly about prayer to be something other than this.

But! A Christmas Bloom!

Something to visualize my hope, my love, my life, my Savior.

I am hoping, I am praying, His will be done.

All glory be to Christ the King!

All glory be to Christ.

“You shall seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13

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Ever Blooming Love

It’s December. I missed one of my favorite blogging opportunities, namely November, because of hand surgery in both hands. The doctor advised it because then I couldn’t baby the hurting hand and recovery would be better. He was right of course.

However it’s actually the resident baby that is using my arms as much as they are needed that is keeping me away. The sweetness passes too quickly to miss any chance that comes my way to rock and sing and coo….sigh

But still!

I could not resist sharing that the white iris is still blooming its joy my way.

O how wonderful, O how marvelous, is my Saviors love for me.

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The Love Bubble

I came across a realization today. It seems that the few folks I try to keep up a conversation with, text me in the morning, either during or just after my devotional time with the Lord. A time when I am in such peace and contentment, feeling almost fully possessed by the Holy Spirit as He resets my mind to His liking, His wisdom His story, His glory.

This makes me think of the day the Lord will turn me off and then on again. To make right what has been corrupted. A day I look forward to with joy, and simultaneously wish for it not to be today. This self-contradiction makes me love Him all the more.

For every time I run across a paradox that would be impossible for man, but is possible with God, He becomes more, He grows more in stature, He becomes more impossible to really know or understand, He becomes more of what He already is, He becomes GOD.

And I worship and bow down before the Lord my God my maker.

Anyway, they reach out and contact me while I am fresh in the love bubble with God, before the day has worn it thin, and sometimes pops it all together. And the bubble gives them the impression that I am strong, that I am always at peace with my trials and struggles, which is so not true.

This makes me desire to bring these friendships into my most of time world. This could, I hope, possibly make these friendships all the deeper and richer for it. What a treasure that would be.

Anyway again, I wonder if my love bubble is off putting? If I am somehow diminishing their feelings and not being as supportive as I could be if I wasn’t telling them about fully relying on the goodness of God?

God’s goodness, His lovingkindness, these are absolute truths, but perhaps I am shutting down the conversation with the interjection “rely on the goodness of God”, while true and He is enough, it can bring the person who is struggling and looking for a listener to a hard stop.

And as I am thinking about it, maybe to a feeling of faithlessness if they continue on with their troubles. Perhaps they are just looking for an ear to hear them. Sometimes that ear is all a person wants in that moment. For someone, anyone, to really hear them, to affirm their worth.

For in my love bubble with God I am fully immersed with the knowing that He is that person who really hears me, and He is the one who affirms my worth, but the thing is, I can’t know the current state of their bubble. Perhaps they are at that place were the darkness has a hold, where a mind is in a state of total chaos that needs to be sorted and sifted to the truth, to the light.

And words have the power to push out that darkness, for when the darkness is acknowledged and spoken aloud, brought into the light, it has been diminished.

Am I stopping the word flow that needs to be spoken?

To really be a friend, I am going to have to be more attuned to where they are, and just listen and love.

So…..,

I am really really bad at just listening and not being a fixer,

Not good,

Still,

All I know for sure and certain is I have faith and rest in this,

But God…..

“Make your ear attentive to wisdom, Incline your heart to understanding.” Proverbs 2:2

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A Door Nailed Shut, Bolted, Plastered Over, Gone.

The fall color has started. You gotta love chrysanthemums, they take care of themselves.

Even these yellow ones that have had to struggle through a mountain of grass and weeds are still going to bloom. The mountains of grass and weeds are there because I have finally reached the point that I will listen to my doctors regarding gardening. I knew it hurt my knees and hands and shoulders and hips and feet and back, but still, I guiltily would find myself reaching down to pull just one weed or prune one plant, and several hours would pass before I came to my senses.

However, now that the arthritis in my cervical spine has reached the point of compression of the spinal cord and gosh awful injections to stop the numbness and weakness, perhaps I’ll concede the need to not only listen, but also heed and obey…sigh.

So the Great Grass War is now finally and forever truly over. The grass won. Not because of war fatigue, but for lack of working equipment to continue.

So today, to go outside and see the chrysanthemums taking care of themselves and blooming in spite of the weeds and the grass, made me pause and enjoy God’s handy work and not my own.

How nice to have taken a step back, and to then be able see that it was always God’s handy work in the garden, not my own. He was just letting me play with it for awhile, because He’s nice like that. He is a good good Father who takes joy in our successes. Even as we claim what is His to ourselves.

How can you not love a God like that.

A God who is creative and worked and rested, and then created me in His image so I could do the same in His garden. Well my six glorious days toiling in the garden are over and I have slowly come upon the time to rest.

But! I love it when God says, “But.”

The doctors told me I should take up reading as my hobby. Can you imagine that. Telling me to spend my days reading. I think I have gotten the better end of the deal with this one. Even if I will miss the glory days of working along side the Ancient of Days and resting with Him after hard days work. I will be joy full while soaking up the knowledge of Him rather then His sunshine.

When recently asked what I wanted to do in heaven, it was to be able to spend eternity seeking after the knowledge of God and knowing it was never to end, because it is impossible to ever fully know God. Well I guess that I am getting to start my heavenly dream a bit sooner than I expected.

And how wonderful that the Lord and I will still be in an endeavor together as He displays His glory in words, rather than flowers and butterflies. How can you not love a God like that!

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